UK enters second week of attempting to appease angry fire god with sacrificial fair haired offerings

By Tony Curram

With temperatures soaring to the high thirties in the UK this week, leaving many feeling like melted welly boots, religious zealots have upped attempts to pacify the angry fire god by rounding up all fair haired individuals and tying them outside in the midday heat.

“The fire orb is angry! THE FIRE ORB IS ANGRY!!” screamed one man from Kent, whilst tying a thoroughly weary Mr Jenkins, an elderly ginger man, to a lamppost.

“It happens every time there’s a heat wave,” sighed Mr Jenkins

Many have begun the sacrificial rituals they’ve just made up in the vague hope the temperature will drop, with the logic being fair haired people must be the natural enemies of Fire ball Mc Fire ball Face. And so by allowing the fire god to burn them alive, the fire god will be appeased.

“Firstly, it’s called THE SUN!” bellowed a clearly annoyed Mr Jenkins “And secondly, you’re plan won’t work; we’re so used to getting sun burnt, it doesn’t affect us anymore.”

Leave a Reply