Government ‘shocked’ to discover drunk people aren’t capable of social distancing

By Tony Curram

The UK government have discovered what anyone with half a brain in the UK knew all along; drunk people don’t do social distancing. They can do many amazing things like random hugs, fighting, falling over spectacularly and 2am kebabs, but social distancing? No.

Jacob Rees-Mogg once again showed how detached he is from the majority of Britons reality by saying: “I just don’t understand it. I’m partial to a sherry or two myself, sometimes the occasional dram, and I don’t go gallivanting all around town!”

“I just sit in my arm chair in a room that smells of money and rich mahogany, whilst reading classic literature. Why can’t people just be normal?!”

However many who are quite intimate with UK drinking habits simply replied ‘What the fuck did you think would happen?’ with one doctor saying:

“You’ve had the younger population locked up for months, and you opened the pubs up on a Saturday night; are you so removed from reality that you didn’t realise that the most popular drinking night in the UK is a Saturday?? And that’s without the pubs having been shut for months before hand!”

Boris Johnson was approached for comment but sent an aid to tell us “He has a hangover that would kill a walrus.”

Leave a Reply