‘We’ll just say we’re getting an eye test’ chuckle locals and tourists as beaches threatened with closure

By Ellie Taylor

While Boris Johnson continues to thank the nation for their cooperation of staying alert during the current pandemic with one hand, seemingly oblivious to the mass gatherings occurring up and down the country, the government is threatening beach closures with the other, in an attempt to stop incidents such as Bournemouth beach.

Health Secretary Matt Hancock said “People have already had a pretty dreadful time and want to enjoy the sun – but I have to say this. I WILL announce the closure of beaches if they continue in such numbers. However, ultimately I still have no idea how I’m going to argue against such a vast amount of people?!”

“So we will once again be relying on the common sense of the public to enforce these new rules. I think that will be fine; what could go wrong?!”

With the weather being a scorching 31 degrees and the UK being on day 98 of drinking away their furlough money, giant waves of laughter could be heard all across the country at the threat of closure – almost as if replacing the Thursday night clap of appreciation.

Bottles could be heard clinking along the coasts of Dorset as 500,000 people gather to visit the beach, citing ‘”’m just here for an eye test! If it’s good enough for him, its good enough me!”

“I did cooperate for the first few weeks, it was kinda fun having a reason to say the in-laws can’t come over – but I’m bored now and I’m drunk as shit! I wanna play outside!” Says a local from Bournemouth.

“To me it seems no matter how we behave, Boris will say what he has to say and the rates are going down no matter how many news articles there are about gatherings. Hancock’s threat doesn’t bother me. There are thousands of us, the only rule is you’re not allowed to bring your grandmother – we still care about lives! Heres my mask.” As he put on his mask he had just prior pulled out from tucked into his shorts.

The traffic has flown right back up to standard “major stress” levels and Aldi is once again the giant shit storm of barging elbows and other people’s children. Fears are rising about just how many are still listening to the health advice – and what happens when the remaining few who do, venture outside

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