By Tony Curram
Between photos of packed, litter strewn beaches, and ridicule for not firing key party figures blatantly seen flaunting lockdown advice, Mr Johnson has taken to camera to clarify his ‘use common sense’ statement.
“I’ve noticed that people are a tad upset with me, what with not firing Cummings, and the whole jet paint job malarkey. Oh and the little snafu with Jenrick being caught pimping his arse out to Richmond Desmond.”
“I get that from the outside, it may seem like the current government are a bunch of self-serving, hypocritical, incompetent wage thieves.”
Boris lent forward and whispered “But I can assure you, we are anything but incompetent!” Before loudly declaring “We’ve been doing it for years and you’re only just noticing!”
“Oh crap, I said the loud bit quiet and the quiet bit loud. In any case, when I said I want you to use your common sense, I meant as in deciding whether you should stay at home (boring) or go out and spend money (good); not anything drastic like have a huge shift of public opinion and voting habits.
“Now get out there and spend! Spend like you’ve never spent before! And if some of you die in the process, well that’s a risk I’m willing to take. God speed! And may the odds for ever be in y(our) favour.”