Dropping social distancing to one meter makes things 10 times more ‘exciting’ clarifies Rishi Sunak

By Tony Curram

Boris Johnson is expected to make his bi-weekly U-turn next week, by dropping the social distancing distance to one meter after calls from the hospitality industry. Industry leaders claim they will not remain profitable at two meters, and as we all know; wealth before health.

Unfortunately for the Prime Minister, health experts are currently refusing to believe Covid will respect the need for a strong economy and so magically become less infective, and so are sticking to pesky facts that show one meter is 10 times more dangerous than two meters.

With many critics accusing the government of putting wealth before health (which, to be absolutely clear, they are), Chancellor Rishi Sunak was quick to clarify the matter and put a positive spin on things, stating:

“Just think how good that first pint will taste! Plus with the added danger of catching a killer virus it will be 10 times more exciting! And what could be more patriotic than risking your life for faceless share holders, the economy and, most importantly, a cold pint that costs three times as much than from a supermarket.”

Steve from Ipswich said: “I’ll be straight into the pub, just you wait! I’m not scared. I’m dying for a pint and a game of darts with the lads!”

However many have simply shrugged and replied: “I’ve actually realised how much money I waste per month on restaurants and pubs and I’ve managed to go weeks without them already; why go back now when it’s not safe?”

“Plus, the carpets in my house aren’t sticky and it’s less than £2 a pint.”

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