“You think this is rioting? Wait until the recession kicks in,” grins Priti Patel menacingly

By Tony Curram

Priti Patel has faced criticism from both sides over the recent protests. Some claim the police are doing too little, others accuse the police of being quick to escalate. Priti Patel simply says: “Just you wait!”

“You think this is rioting? Wait until the recession kicks in,” grinned Priti Patel menacingly, barely able to contain her excitement “then I’ll be able to get the water cannons out, maybe I’ll even try and get the Human Rights bill amended; I might even get to issue ‘shoot on sight’ orders. It’s terribly exciting!”

Many protest organisers were deeply concerned by the Home Secretary’s comments, leading one unnamed organiser to comment: “Surely she should be looking to reduce the tensions; not foaming at the mouth like a rabid attack dog, waiting to be allowed off the leash!”

“We’re setting up a commission to look into inequality,” announced a hapless Mr Raab, attempting to squash criticism of the UK Governments handling of equality “It’s being overseen by someone called Munira Mirza. I don’t know why people are complaining about it and saying its controversial; she came highly recommended by Mrs Patel. And apparently she’s done some work on this kind of thing before? So sounds like a win to me”

“Oh yes, she’s worked on this area before,” Mrs Patel grinned “She authored ‘Diversity is Divisive: multiculturalism fosters tribalism and political victim hood’ and ‘The Myth of Institutional Racism’. It’s going to go down like a shit in a sock,”

“Excuse me, I’m going to go look at ‘protester vs water cannon’ videos again. God it’s exciting!!”

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