Government doing ‘Everything we can’ to spin second worst global death toll as a positive

By Tony Curram

The Government has sought to reassure the UK public that they’re doing everything they can to spin a positive on over 40,000 deaths due to COVID19. So far citing everything from ‘well knife crime is down’ to ‘well, 40,000 is a lot less than 100,000’.

“I mean, it’s a deeply complicated situation,” whined Matt Hancock “I mean, yes we did have emergency planning reports stating we should have a stock pile of PPE and ventilators from ‘crisis training scenarios’ ran way back in 2012”

“Yes the World Health Organisation, many scientific bodies and even our own domestic threat analysis reports detailed how a flu-like pandemic was inevitable and we should be prepared with a robust health service and equipment,”

“And yes we did see how quickly this virus spread in other countries such as China and Italy, how immediately effective a lockdown was signalling we should have lockdown down earlier, and yes, I know we hesitated on locking down but that was because… wait…. What was my point again?!”

At this point Mr Hancock looked incredibly panicked and began looking for the exit before yelling loudly: “There’s rioting in the streets, what are you doing about it Patel?!” and immediately diving out the fire escape, leaving media representatives stunned.

Ms Patel broke the silence by stating: “Well, I will be dealing with this current situation the same way I do with all situations; staring down at everyone with haunting disdain whilst saying how ‘disgusted’ I am.”

“And I hope that hurt Matt, you blithering idiot.”

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