Enjoyment of lockdown directly proportionate to number of children you have, new study reveals

By Tony Curram

A new study has revealed people’s enjoyment of lockdown is directly linked to how many children the house hold has, with childless couples fairing much better than large families. One childless couple said:

“It’s been blissful,” said Mr Walsh “We’ve been going for a daily stroll around the local park, after a full cooked English breakfast and fresh percolated coffee of course. Then we’d make lunch, following a new recipe from one of our cook books we’ve never usually had time to read through,”

“Then we spend the afternoon and evening having a drink or two, playing games and binge watching Netfilx; one day we didn’t even get out of bed! It’s been amazing!”

“ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!” bellowed Mrs Carridge, mother of three “Have I enjoyed lockdown?! Are you mad?! I’m not sure I’ve slept in weeks! The kids have started feeding themselves by eating left over food found in the carpet, which is helpful I guess,”

“And home schooling is a nightmare; why would anyone want to be a teacher?! Kids are a nightmare; especially mine!”

We cut the interview short as the house appeared to be on fire and the children had begun observing us with interest, speaking in code whilst constructing crude spears.

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