By Ellie Taylor
Do not create the new Facebook avatar!
I have discovered that the plan between Zuckerberg and Gates has been finalised – a plan to virtualize the world and take down Apple. After sneaking into Facebook HQ and surprising Zuckerberg before he could hide his whiteboard notes, I can now confirm a virus named FAC-BK-2 has been sent to all active members of Facebook in the form of a new Avatar you create to look like yourself. He claims his “research” is improving his website, but since his shenanigans with Cambridge Analytica, I took a quick snap of his notes and got the truth. The mention of Cambridge Analytica caused Zuckerberg to sweat excessively.
Gates popped out from behind the sofa when I spotted him and gave the following statement: “I have absolutely nothing to do with this virus. I am only here to install Microsoft. I have, however, stepped forward to create a safe vaccine.” – he followed this with an over-exaggerated wink.
Side effects to look out for include;
– finding Zuckerberg very fetching
– purchasing a Microsoft computer
– believing everything you read on Facebook
– memory loss
– merging into the cartoon character you recently created
As people online panic about their newfound attraction to Zuckerberg and severe memory loss, they start to clock on to what might be happening. Zuckerberg, when not busy selling everybody’s personal data, has been working hard to ensure any posts or memes which may sabotage their intelligent intentions are removed immediately. Youtube and Twitter have also teamed up to help prevent any further leaked information after each being promised 20% of infected humans – to do with what they please.
Gates and Zuckerberg have been in cahoots at the Facebook HQ for 4 weeks now. This is the perfect environment for top-secret planning currently, as most of his employees were sent to work from home. The remaining are tied up in the basement after trying to expose the plan online.
Eventually, when infection rates are at an acceptable peak, the entire population will look like their created Avatar. Zuckerberg and Gates will gain from this by taking complete control of our brains using Facebook. This will result in us exclusively listening to the pairs instructions, leaving Boris Johnson completely useless. Much like a giant game of sims, Gates will select actions for us. If you have ever walked into a room and forgotten why you went in there, it is more than likely you are already infected, meaning its only a matter of time before you start to look a little more cartoon than you originally remember.
Trying to fight the virus has proved futile. After trying to convince members to remove their accounts completely, they said they would rather take their chances with a vaccine from Bill Gates. Nice Work, Zuckerberg.
Gates has stated, whilst spinning on a chair and stroking a rabbit, “the only side effect to my legitimate and working vaccine to re-humanize, will be a newly formed allergy to any Apple Products. This aside, I assure you it will work and definitely will not lead you to be stuck in avatar form forever as a slave to Zuckerberg’s wild ideas”.