UK accidentally pledge £8.40 to vaccine research after disastrous Hancock/Abbott collaboration

By Tony Curram

The UK was set to pledge a staggering £84 million to research into an effective vaccine to fight coronavirus. However, research institutions were perplexed when only £8.40 arrived into the institute’s bank account.

It’s believed the error occurred after Sir Kier Starmer called for greater cross-party collaboration, resulting in Matt Hancock and Diane Abbott collaborating on the funding request for vaccine research.

“We’ll, these things happen” blushed an embarrassed Mr Hancock “Diane double checked the figures for how much eleventy-three million units would cost, and I took that figure away from what I’d already spent to hundred and two, three hundred thousand and five testing kits; £8.40 is all we have left.”

Research institutions were confused and alarmed at first, however after seeing who had released the funds many relaxed and simply said they’d wait for an adult to fix the situation. Sir Starmer said:

“When I asked for better cross-party cooperation, I didn’t mean put twiddle dee and twiddle dum together! We’re lucky they didn’t burn the place down; they usually require strict 1:1 supervision.”

As there’s no sign in sight to the end for the coronavirus, leaving many to believe a vaccine is our best hope, we approached the Chancellor Rishi Sunak for comment on if he felt researchers would get the money they so desperately needed:

“I work with f**king idiots,” he replied “their maths? Two post-it notes with random numbers scribbled all over them; one of them had what looked suspiciously like a poo stain on it. So I slipped them the answer of £84 million, all they had to do was input it on the system; apparently they don’t know how many zeros are in a million,”

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to beat the money tree again.”


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