Boris Johnson lays down his new set of clear and concise rules.

By Ellie Taylor

“I’m confused, can I see my Nan now?! I’m not being locked in without her any longer!!”Someone who has not even seen their Nan in 2 years. 

The country is confused by Boris Johnson’s latest announcement, and after watching him answer the public’s questions, I have decided it is all very simple – if you listen carefully. 

The updated Coronavirus advice states we must now “Stay Alert, Control The Virus”. Which is handy because I’ve found if I bribe the virus with some Kung pow chicken, I can generally make it do whatever I’d like; i.e stay away from me. 

We are no longer to ‘stay home’, although we must still stay home. Unless you can go to work, in which case you can go to work – but you must not go to work if you can’t go to work, and don’t use public transport – unless you have no choice. Then don’t go to work – but only if you can work from home. Cleaners can go to your home but not your friends because they get the economy moving. (Sacrifice the cleaners). And this is conditional for phase 3.

Image courtesy of UK Gov site

Family members can absolutely not babysit your children however; childminders now can, providing they take the advice given by the health secretary and open a window to help stop the spread. 

The generosity of the Prime Minister astounds me once again as he offers the country of England unlimited exercise. Whilst we are grateful to him for seemingly fulfilling the ask of more freedom, I don’t think ‘unlimited exercise’ was quite what the country had in mind.

We can now sunbathe with one other person from another household, practising social distancing. This is only within public spaces and not in your garden – as your friend of choice may want to borrow your toilet and this is not allowed.

You may NOT sunbathe with 2 people, distancing or not – this is absolutely not permitted, completely irresponsible, and a threat to society. Suggestions for choosing this friend are as follows; 

  • MAKE SURE THEY CAN BRING BEER. 

If you have two friends from one household, you must pick your favourite; giving you a chance to finally tell that snotty sally you’ve always thought she was a bit of a knob and you only tolerated her because you are fond of her roommate. However, this is all completely conditional because the best option would be to stay home. Or don’t.

Grandparents can see one grandchild at a time, providing they are old enough to safely walk 6 ft away. This makes the task of crossing the street a little more difficult but at least you won’t be able to hear a word they are saying. 

Finally – travel as far as you like to popular tourism spots, but you can NOT camp remotely in the woods.

So all of this is pretty simple really – Stay Alert, Control The Virus, Save Lives. Still stay home. You don’t need too from Wednesday, but if you could stay home whilst staying alert that would be brilliant.

Questions? Thought not.

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One comment

  1. I would sympathize. But i get to listen to Trump’s guidance which is pretty much just as misguided, and a bit more dangerous. I used to hear about double talk when i was younger. These guys are triple talkers.

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