Pot Noodle and a wank no longer limited to just once a day, announces Prime Minister

By Tony Curram

The Prime Minister Boris Johnson made his highly anticipated Lockdown announcement yesterday, making minor reductions to the lockdown. In particular was exercise, which is now ‘unlimited’, a cause for celebration for many amateur athletes.

“Oh thank goodness for that!” exclaimed Scott Evans from Hull “I look forward to my daily pot noodle and wank, but I’m always left wanting more! Now I can really get back to usual jogging; ill start off with two or three a day as I’m a bit out of practice. I’m a bit worried about ‘chaffing’. But I reckon I’ll be back to five times a day within a few weeks.”

Actual fitness enthusiasts however were ironically less enthusiastic. Mr Green from Aldershot, a triathlete said:

“Brilliant. It’s been bad enough trying to social distance whilst exercising these past few weeks anyway; why do people walking want to walk three abreast and take up the whole path? Seemingly oblivious to people actually exercising steaming towards them. I bet they’re the same people who when driving complain about cyclists riding side by side,”

“But now he’s gone and said you can go for a bimble and a bit of sunbathing; it’s going to be a nightmare.”

“Nothing says it’s important to stay at home and don’t make frivolous trips out the house like saying ‘its ok to go an sunbathe as long as your alert’. Ass-hat.”

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