By Acton Murry
Sir James Dyson’s sanity has been called into question last night after having a Dyson cordless Hoover perform fellatio on him. Members of the press, board of directors and prominent officials watched on in shock and disgust as he staggered onto the stage.
“Well?!? You’ve heard the claims, haven’t you?!” Proclaimed Sir Dyson with mania in his eyes “Sucks like a Dyson?? NEVER LOOSES SUCTION!!”
At this point it is claimed Sir Dyson dropped his trousers, turned the appliance on and proceeded to ‘Pleasure himself’ for several minutes in front of the gathered crowd, who had been expecting him to reveal a new series of ventilators.
One onlooker, a tech journalist called James Casio said “it was awful! His little old face contorted in ecstasy, toes curling up. Put me right off the cream canapés!”.
It is rumoured Sir Dyson has hit the bottle hard, taking rejection of his new ventilator to heart. After pledging his support to the UK government to produce the much needed ventilators, he has so far been unable to get his design approved for use.
Several high-profile celebrities have come forward in support of Sir Dyson including former Prime Minister David Cameron who said “We’ve all done things we regret in the heat of the moment. Or rather put things in things that conventionally don’t go together”.