Trump solves USA financial crisis by applying to UK furlough scheme

By Acton Murry

President Trump has assured the American public today that he has safeguarded the American economy by applying to the UK furlough system.

The shock move was announced during one of the presidents usual circus performances, possibly aimed at distracting people from his novel idea of injecting bleach to cure coronavirus. In a prepared statement, the president said:

“Super productive day today, showing off my genius. Just solved our economy worries. You’re welcome. Spent 38 hours on hold to the UK furlough scheme guys; should be expecting 80% of our GDP any day now. Super smart guys.”

The comments were met with a great deal of enthusiasm from Americans but equal dismay from UK tax payers, resulting in Downing Street having to release the following statement:

“An under paid, overworked member of the furlough processing department took a call from the US President. After four hours of going around in circles explaining the USA wasn’t a business and therefore not eligible for a grant, the adviser decided to humour the President to get him off the phone.”

We asked Downing Street if they we’re worried of potential backlash when the president found out:

“Nah, not really. Firstly we’re not putting this on twitter, so we doubt he’ll see; if you guys could play along that’d be great. Secondly, they’re digging mass graves for Christ sakes. They haven’t even hit their peak and they’re thinking about re-opening for business,”

“With a populace that’s as heavily armed as most nations armed forces, that’s slowly descending into revolt, they’re going to be too busy to notice what’s going on!”

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