Ingenuity prevails; Competitive eaters compete in their living rooms via zoom

By Tony Curram

The world of competitive eating and obesity has been commended for its ingenuity today, after hosting a donut eating competition via zoom. Enabling entrants to compete from their sofas at home; their natural habitat.

“I got the idea from some pole-vaulters I saw on BBC news running a competition from their gardens” said food enthusiast and professional obese person Mr Murphy “and I thought to myself; ‘imagine if you did this with real athletes, in a real contest that people want to see?”

Thousands entered the competition, ranging from amateur donut aficionados to professional speed eaters, watched by a passionate but mostly curious fan base. New speed eating fan, Mr Sykes from Bristol said:

“I’d never heard of professional speed eating before, so when I saw the advert I thought I’d have a look. The way they half-gag down food like a duck; it’s oddly hypnotic! Plus you have the added thrill that one of them mite choke, made even more tense by the fact many are home alone!”

Many have been quick to praise the ingenuity of the ‘athletes’ and organisers, citing that these creative adaptions of events are what we need to bring the UK back to some form of normality, safely, any time soon. However not all were impressed:

“Sweet Christ on a bike!” exclaimed chief medical officer Professor Chris Whitty “I’m working day and night to save the nation from Coronavirus, and now there’s these guys giving themselves heart disease, or bowl cancer or god knows what?!”

“And people have the audacity to mock me being bald; this is why! You lot stressing me out!”

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