‘Still no date for us to take your little s**ts off you’, apologises education secretary

By Tony Curram

The health secretary has apologised to exhausted parents everywhere today that there is still no fixed date for their ‘little darlings’ to return to school.

Many parents are beginning to feel the strain of trying to keep their children entertained within four walls and educate them at the same time, leaving many dreading the prospect of the summer holidays on top of the recent lockdown.

“Oh god or worse; the summer hols whilst locked down!” said mother of three, Carol Simpson from Leeds.

“It’s funny; a few months back I got an email from Jacob’s (my son) teacher, Mr Reed, saying he had been disruptive in class and he was getting a detention. Well I kicked right off; how dare he punish my son and say he’s miss behaving, he’s a saint; he was clearly wrong!”

“Turns out he wasn’t wrong; he is a little shit. I used to think he was mischievous at home from being tired from school, he didn’t seem too bad as I’d only have to put up with him for a few hours, then he’d be in bed. But nope. He’s 100%, all day every day, a shit bag.”

Meanwhile teachers everywhere are both frantically making learning packages to keep their students up to speed, whilst rejoicing in the fact parents are now finally seeing just how much of a pain educating their off-spring is.

“Teaching Jacob Simpson maths is much like teaching a rock; nothing goes in, except this rock can throw pens whilst your back is turned.” Said Mr Reed “however maybe art will be his thing; he is excellent at drawing anatomically correct penis’s on everything in sight.”

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