By Tony Curram
Health secretary Matt Hancock has achieved his target of carrying out 100,000 coronavirus tests per day, after some creative accounting; by ‘fudging’ the figures to include approximately 40,000 tests that have been posted out and not yet returned and analysed.
However the health secretary has been left pink faced, after reporters uncovered that 40,000 members of the public experiencing COVID19 symptoms had been sent packages of fudge instead.
“The confusion occurred when a member of staff read the wrong screen and confused two warehouses,” said managing director Andy Stykes, of a government accredited logistics firm who won the contract by grossly underbidding and failing to recognise the scale of the task at hand; standard practice for any government contractor.
“So as we speak, a warehouse that usually supplies fudge to several gift shops in rural retreats has been cleared out, and its contents posted out to the unsuspecting UK public. On the bright side; at least it won’t go to waste in a warehouse! And the gift shops will finally have something useful to sell. So, everyone’s a winner really.”
“Well, it is abit annoying knowing I won’t be tested for coronavirus,” said Scott Finch, a key worker from Essex who was planning to assess if he was fit to work “On the plus side, the fudge was pretty tasty.”
“And I get paid anyway, so I’ll just play Call of Duty for 2 weeks instead!”