By Acton Murry
Four months down, eight to go, until we can say goodbye to 2020; year of the Armageddon. It may seem longer, as 2020 so far uniquely seems to have 10,000 days in it, but that’s Einstein’s theory of relativity for you; time slows when you’re stuck indoors with family. Or something like that. Anyway, I thought it would be helpful to put these past 4 months behind us by doing a bit of a recap on what the hell happened.
Vast swathes of the population stormed social media to declare that 2020 would be ‘their year’, completely unaware that somewhere, someone was tucking into a bat that had been crapped on by a mongoose whilst caged in a wet market in Wuhan (sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction).
Meanwhile, a small plume of smoke was noticed coming from Australia, prompting world leaders to ask “U ok hun?” to which Australian Prime minister Scott Morrison replied “yea, just a small bush fire, we’ve got it.”; days later the world looked back to see Australia was indeed on fire.
Unfortunately it transpired Mr Morrison and been systematically taking apart the countries bush firefighting capability, and was subsequently confused as to why his country couldn’t put out the worst bushfires the countries ever seen.
Particularly exciting was when #WW3 started trending, as two of the most mentally unstable leaders in the world began exchanging insults, culminating in Iran going full ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ and hijacking freighters.
China finally confessed there might be something wrong and the World Health Organisation declared Coronavirus and global emergency. And that was just January…
Half the country awoke thinking they’d wet the bed, only to feel great relief that it was just their town had flooded overnight, and all their possessions were ruined. Environment secretary Mr Eustice made everyone feel immensely better by pointing out that many in areas that received better funding didn’t flood.
The UK government looked at global death tolls rising, in particular China and Italy. They reviewed the latest scientific evidence on how contagious viruses spread, and even reviewed past studies that recommended large stockpiles of PPE and ventilators; they decided the best course of action was to do nothing and sleep walk into a nightmare.
Weinsteins trick with a zimmer frame failed to sway a jury, and was sent to prison to learn ‘no means no’; the excitement of being around like minded individuals giving him heart palpitations. Yorkshire tea took out a restraining order against Chancellor Rishi Sunak, after ‘making tea for the team’ caused the tea brands shares to plummet after posing for a selfie.
To finish the month off, Home Secretary Priti Patel had her leadership style questioned, after Sir Philip Rutnam resigned after being ‘harassed and bullied’. Ms Patel simply said “good riddance, he was a crap baldy pillock anyway.”, immediately showing her kind, caring side.
The worlds started thinking that maybe, China fibbed a bit about its statistics, and that maybe Coronavirus is a threat; The WHO declare the Coronavirus officially a pandemic as nations everywhere consistently underestimate coronavirus, after being explicitly told ‘don’t underestimate coronavirus’.
The UK government continue to dither, leaving the public to take matters into their own hands resulting in a highly inconvenient toilet roll and pasta shortage. The prime minister finally decides to shut the country down, but only after that big footy game was played. With a stadium full of Spanish football supporters who should have been locked down in their own country due to the virus at the time.
Joe Wicks AKA The Body Coach began teaching the UK’s youngest how to exercise, declaring himself the nations PE teacher. Meanwhile, the Prime Minister immediately regrets shaking hands with everyone he met on a hospital visit after testing positive for COVID19 and having to self-isolate.
The NHS begin getting a nice round of applause once a week, but are left confused about the exchange rate of claps to PPE.
To counter the shortage of PPE, the Health Secretary changes the guidelines on when to use PPE to ‘if you don’t have it, don’t worry; just wash your hands and arms more.’ Successfully solving the problem permanently.
In response to the crisis and our governments floundering response, Captain Tom, a 100 year old veteran, took matters into his own hands and raised millions of pounds for the NHS, earning himself an honorary promotion to Colonel.
Mother Nature continued to take the piss by switching from drowning us, to giving us glorious blue skies and sunshine, whilst the nation was shut up indoors.
Everyone wondered where the Home Secretary was, and then quickly wished she would go way again as she managed to insult the publics intelligence in one briefing, then attempt to take praise for lowering knife crime and shoplifting in another; not hard to achieve when the country is locked down.
Boris had a busy month, being placed in intensive care with COVID19 and then becoming a father again just as he got back onto his feet. Meanwhile, his special needs cousin across the pond, President Trump, insinuated that injecting bleach may be the solution to defeat COVID19.
This list is far from definitive, but just writing this was exhausting; imagine if I included everything (like a certain Moggy profiteering). On the plus side though; Korea have proved you can only get Coronavirus the once, meaning those that have recovered can go on about their lives. Additionally, any vaccine produced should be an effective end to the virus.
Let’s hope the next 4 months are much less eventful.