‘I don’t negotiate with terrorists’ declares Boris, after first night with baby Boris

By Tony Curram

The Prime minister and his partner Carrie Symonds have spent their first night together with their new born baby boy, who was born yesterday. However Boris hinted things may not all be roses, as when asked by colleagues how they were doing he simply remarked: “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

“I always thought appeasement was a good tactic employed by the British before WW2; pacify the enemy, whilst building our strength. Now I see clearly. There’s no negotiating with terror. They’ll just keep coming!” said a clearly distressed and sleep deprived Mr Johnson.

It’s understood baby Boris who, like all new born babies, has a stomach roughly the size of a pea, awoke at 1am, followed by 2am and so forth until deciding that 6am was bedtime, leaving Mr Johnson to look like a half melted wellington boot.

“Of course it’s lovely having my partner and screaming child at home, but the nation needs me. So I think I’ll delay taking my paternity leave; maybe by 18 years? Give or take. When can they go to boarding school?”

With the PM’s busy work schedule, and being a first time mother, we approached Ms Symonds to see how she was coping:

“I’ve not slept in 72hours! I had a full blown conversation with a lamp in the living room this morning thinking it was Boris; it was as much use as him! 5 children and he doesn’t know how to change a nappy, how to make a bottle or even feed a newborn! It’s the blind leading the blind in here! Oh God! The oven!” At this point Ms Symonds had to run away to put out a small fire in the kitchen.

So coping like all first time parents; barely organised sleep-depraved chaos. Good luck!

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