‘Thank god I’m out!’ Cackles Theresa May on 3rd bottle of wine

By Tony Curram

Former Prime Minister Theresa May has taken to social media to express her gratitude at her decision to resign last year. The clearly inebriated Mrs May said the decision was the hardest she’d ever made, and had reservations if she was doing the right thing at the time:

“Part of me thought ‘I started down this path so I should finish this’ you know?” slurred a Mrs May in a video on her social media platform.

“If I quit, that made me no better than a pig f**ker. And I ay’nt no pig f**ker! I may have ran through a field of wheat or two in my day, but that’s it!… Did you know David f**ked a pig? It’s true. Probably worth a google.”

It’s believed Mrs May made the comments in the wake of claims Mr Johnson has been working 16 hour days constantly since taking office; dealing with Brexit, mass flooding, America nearly starting WW3, the worst pandemic in living human history and even fighting the virus off himself. All in addition to his ‘busy’ personal life.

“Brexit aged me 20 years, imagine what this pandemic would have done to me!” yelled Mrs May, spilling a large portion of her 3rd bottle of red wine down herself “I’d probably still be struggling to get parliament to agree on a lockdown.”

“Now I have all this extra time in lockdown; no pressure or responsibilities. Just a big glass of wine and my feet up. Cheers Boris! I hope you’re enjoying my old job!”

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