Virtual apprentices will miss out on advanced swearing, worry building trade

By Tony Curram

As the recent COVID19 pandemic continues to shut much of the country down, many industries are moving to online delivery, including the theory elements of apprenticeship programmes. However, many are concerned that the syllabus won’t cover all key learning points.

“They need to be able to bash out a comprehensive ‘f*@king wa$@ing thunder felching tw*t monkey!’, or words to that effect.” Said Mr Griffiths from Maidstone “And if they can be Gas Safe certified, that’s an additional bonus”.

“I get maths, science, media studies, you know – all that useless stuff, being taught online, but there’s some stuff that just won’t translate across.” Said a concerned carpenter, Mr Stevens from Croydon.

“I mean, sure ‘advanced costings’ theory can be taught online and the practical can be caught up easy enough; all you do is tut, followed by a slow head shake, then inform the client ‘it’ll cost ‘em’. But what about advanced swearing? They need to know what to yell when they slip and hit their thumb with a hammer; that kind of thing can only be taught on site.”

Many agree that while filling the lockdown with distance learning is a good idea, some are concerned that people will be accredited with qualifications and argue the lessons aren’t a replacement for real training, and should be interest only; not formal training.

“Young plumbers need to know” said Mr Griffiths “I mean, imagine seeing a young pipe monkey tightening up a nut and slipping with the spanner, wracking their knuckles, only to say ‘oops!’ or ‘tiddly-dee! That hurt!’ It’s unthinkable!”

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