Livers everywhere beg PM to lift the lock down

By Tony Curram

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As boredom begins sinking in all pretence of family time, being productive in the home and personal development, appear to have gone out the window as Brits resort to what they do best: drinking.

Many have been left dismayed as government confirms the lockdown will last at least another three weeks, in particular small business owners and those struggling financially. However, in particular UK livers have been the most vocal about their concerns.

“It needs to stop now!” wailed Mr Lee’s liver, from Blackpool “usually he’ll just have a couple of pints after work at the pub, and once a month he’ll have a big blow out and I’ll make him suffer for two days. But now he’s drinking several cans every night! I can’t handle it!”

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“I don’t know why she does it!” sobbed Mrs Denyer’s liver, from Hull “She’s been smashing a bottle of Prosecco a night solidly for two weeks now, laughing that the bottle ‘must have a leak’.”

It’s believed the key contributor to an escalation of drinking in the UK is a unique combination of boredom and affordability, and there are concerns the trend could continue after the lockdown.

“It’s brilliant, I never knew booze was so cheap!” declared Mr Lee “I usually go to the pub every day with the lads, but at over £4 a pint ill only have a few. But I went to ASDA for my weekly essentials run and found in the alcohol aisle 24 Budweiser 300ml bottles for £14; that’s £0.91 a pint! Bargain!”

“Brilliant, beers involved and he turns into Carol Vorderman, but can’t understand liver cirrhosis,” said Mr Lees liver grimly.

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