‘Carries fury’ as PM ‘worked on’ by two nurses for 3 nights

By Tony Curram

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The PM’s partner Ms Carrie Symonds has confirmed that the PM is thoroughly in the dog house today, after letting slip publicly that he’d spent 3 nights being ‘worked on’ by 2 ‘extremely attentive’ nurses in intensive care. It appears the PM was spoilt for choice as confirmed in a speech yesterday that he ‘could have gone either way‘.

Ms Symonds had originally taken to twitter, stating: “I cannot thank our magnificent NHS enough. The staff at St Thomas’ Hospital have been incredible. I will never, ever be able to repay you and I will never stop thanking you.”

However, relief at her partner’s recovery turned sour when the PM let slip how he’d spent the past few nights. Her suspicions were first raised when the PM began listing the names of NHS staff that saved his life (all apparently female):

“Forgive me as I’m going to forget some names” began the PM “I’d like to thank Po-Ling and Shannon and Emily and Angel and Connie and Becky and Rachael and Nicky and Ann.”

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The PM then went on to recall a particularly memorable moment when 2 nurses stood by his bed for 48 hours where he ‘could have gone either way’. “Yea, either way!” snorted Ms Symonds with derision “if by either way you mean New Zealand nurse or Portuguese Nurse!”

The PM has sort to ease his partners concerns via video, citing her claims as ‘pregnancy hormone induced paranoia’; Ms Symonds is due to give birth in 2 months’ time and is currently self-isolated with COVID-19 symptoms.

From the editor: Good to see the PM is back on his feet, it’s been weird not having the BoJo to take this piss out of.

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