Bob Geldof finally likes Mondays

By Tony Curram

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A smiling and chirpy Bob Geldof has revealed today that after 41 years, the singer-songwriter finally likes Mondays. Video calling from his home, Mr Geldof informed us of his new found optimism:

“I haven’t been dressed in 4 weeks! I wake up when I want, I listen to the Dawn Chorus every morning; nature is healing itself! My royalties are still coming in, keeping me topped up with Guinness and crisps.”

“And in America, the schools are closed! No school shootings if the schools are closed!”

The tragic inspiration for “I Don’t Like Mondays” occurred in January 1979. Mr Geldof, lead singer of Irish pop band the Boomtown Rats, was in the US doing a radio interview when news broke of the Cleveland Elementary School shooting. A reporter managed to phone the shooter, Brenda Spencer, 16, who killed 2 and wounded 9 to ask what her motivation was, which she chillingly replied; “I don’t like Mondays. This livens up the day,” By the time Mr Geldof returned to his hotel, he’d started writing the song.

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When we alerted Mr Geldof to the fact that many Americans are bulk buying firearms in an attempt to make themselves feel safer, and that spikes in sales are always followed by mass shootings, Mr Geldof’s good mood seemed to evaporate as he deflated and commented:

“I see. Well I hope you’re wrong and I don’t have to write a sequel, especially after all the death coronavirus has caused on its own.”

“Plus, ‘tell me why! I hate post pandemics’ doesn’t quite fit.”

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