‘Home Secretary should stay at home’ Priti Patel reminds nation why absence makes the heart grow fonder

By Tony Curram

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The Home Secretary Ms Patel has been markedly absent from all national addresses so far, leading many to ask the same question over social media; where is the home secretary Priti Patel? As pressure mounted, Downing Street decided to release the enforcer.

However, it’s believed Downing Street hadn’t anticipated the cunning demoness to attend the meeting with a battle plan; be as terrible as possible.

“If you don’t want to do something, do it badly. They’ll never ask you again!” said Ms Patel, sharpening her talons on a wet stone “Phase one, I’ll go out there and cock something up, something really simple like reading numbers out like a normal human being. I’ve been studying Diane Abbotts blooper reel extensively.”

“Then for phase two I’ll probably deploy some of my infamous charm; give a back handed apology that makes it sound like I think the public are idiots. Something timeless like ‘I’m sorry you feel there’s been failings’ that never fails to get peoples backs up.”

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It’s understood Ms Patel wasn’t overly fond of being cajoled from her lair; Ms Cooper from the select committee has been attempting to get a face to face for several weeks and been met with ever increasingly combative emails, despite predecessors meeting regularly with the select committee to discuss the Home office’s day to day activity.

“It makes you wonder what she’s hiding” said an exasperated Ms Cooper “knowing her, I’m guessing it’s a huge stockpile of PPE just to make Matt Hancock sweat.”

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