By Tony Curram
Britain’s dark history of witch burning has seemingly raised its ugly head again amidst the Coronavirus pandemic, as idiots begin blaming 5G for causing the illness. The only saving grace in this new trend is rather than burning people alive at the stake, people are instead causing thousands of pounds of damage burning the 5G enabled towers, and even attacking workers.
Vodafone reported four cell towers were targeted in one 24-hour period, while EE said that one tower in Birmingham, which didn’t even provide 5G services, was set on fire anyway. Damaging our infrastructure is a hindrance to people who are using the internet to talk to loved ones and keep their sanity, as the towers don’t just provide 5G; they also provide 2G, 3G and 4G.
The new trend bares a startling comparison to British witch burning, which tended to happen during times of disease, famine and drought, as simpletons searched for a cause they could wrap their heads around.
“Virology?!” replied a confused Mr Leith from Kent “That sounds like one of them made up degrees like immunology, or media studies”. Mr Leith is the ‘leader’ of a group of activists that consists of himself and his mum, and was happy to explain the science behind the pandemic.
“You see, the radio waves beam out of one of those tower things, and they pick up all these diseases in the air. And then they deliver your internet and give you and your device a virus; it’s no coincidence the internet gives computers viruses too! And that the virus has only appeared in big cities with 5G!”
Our reporter attempted to explain the virus is also in countries that don’t yet have 5G anywhere. And that it made sense a disease would spike in big urban environments, which coincidentally have 5G due to their population size.
Mr Leith ignored this evidence and continued mutilating the English language for 20 minutes, causing our reporter to leave the scene for medical concerns after developing a migraine.