Home Secretary officially declares the Apocalypse “Crap”.

By Guest Writer Loz Ramsey

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The Home Secretary, Priti Patel, has finally come out of hiding to announce that the Covid-19 crisis is “Not what she’d anticipated,” going on to say “Seriously, I was expecting a metric ton of zombies, or at least a bloody asteroid!”

Ms Patel revealed she believes plans should be put in place to protect the economy, but not people.

“Christ-on-a-crutch, seriously?” she is reported to have said, “We have machetes for all, and a thermonuclear weapon ready to rock as soon as the flags go up, but this is just boring! I mean really!? Be nice to each other and do that thing… um… caring? Sorry, I’m right out of my comfort zone now…”

She carried on to say “People. People are the problem. If we focus on the money, people will naturally form an orderly queue! We are British! We know how to queue.”

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When asked about the NHS being in debt, she replied “Well, that’s not my bloody fault! If they can’t manage their finances, not my problem! Look, we’ve got enough cross-bows, knives and screwdrivers to take out all of the zombies, and weapons to tw*t the biggest asteroid back into space- What the f**k more do you want?”

“Seriously,” she said, “I was looking forward to something properly dramatic, rather than the entire planet going into 24/7 Pyjamas day. I had Bruce Willis lined up and everything!”

When asked about the climate crisis and to clarify her use of strong language, Ms Patel excused herself, and was subsequently spotted chugging a bottle of vodka.

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