By Tony Curram
By now you’ve probably noticed that some people are taking social distancing more seriously than others; I went shopping the other day for necessities and whilst queuing maintained at least 2m of gap from myself and the person in front. The couple behind me however were less compliant.
Fortunately, I expertly deployed point number 5 to great effect and cheer from the tutting crowd, who were managing to queue 2 meters apart. So without further pause, here are our top 5 techniques to maintain social distancing.
5) Tell people to ‘f*ck off’, with venom: People aren’t overly fond of people telling them to ‘do-one’, and a loud and firm expletive can be exceptionally powerful, especially when that person deep down knows they’re being a douche bag. You can have fun with this one, be creative! I’m particularly fond of the insult: ‘c*ck-womble’. But if you’re struggling for inspiration, you could always just take a look at one of these brilliant adult themed colouring books for some eye-watering inspiration here.
4) Practice poor hygiene (except hand washing, obviously): Ever stood right next to someone with bad body odour? Ever stood next to that person for long? Exactly. You get a nice exclusion zone as everyone avoids the stink bubble, you save on your water rates and hot water AND soap. What a winner!
3) Talk to people only you can see: This is brilliant if you’re a budding thespian that can keep a straight face. People may not be scared of a virus they can’t see, but they are mostly definitely still scared of being stabbed to death by the town crazy. Complete the look by going out in one of these themed adult sized Onesies pictured here for bonus points.
2) Carry an air horn: This one takes some personal sacrifice if you haven’t got any ear plugs, but works a treat. Someone coming to close? “Back foul-beast!” you curse as you give a blast of a 100 decibel air horn; problem solved!
1) Inflatable sumo suit: If people really still aren’t keeping their distance, then an inflatable sumo suit may just be what you need. There are some drawbacks; you won’t be fitting indoors anywhere, but you definitely won’t struggle maintaining an exclusion zone with one of these bad boys! “But where can I find one of those in our hour of need??” I hear you cry. Why, here of course. You’re welcome world!
It makes me slightly uneasy that I have to say this, but you can never be too sure in this day and age; This isn’t actual expert advice. In fact, I’m pretty sure I was drunk when I wrote this. I failed GCSE Science; my grades spell F-U-D-G-E. What I’m trying to say is, this is for fun, not doing. Although all the products I mentioned are real things, and probably worth a look at in this time of isolation for a laugh.