Matt Hancock declares ‘please go exercise, but stop taking the piss’.

By Tony Curram

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“I do not want anyone to believe that a further crackdown is in the works” Mr Hancock declared yesterday at the Downing Street coronavirus press conference as he praised the ‘vast majority’ of people for sticking to the government’s guidance.

“However, there are few of you getting confused between ‘daily exercise’ and ‘taking the absolute piss.” Many including Mr Hancock have been keen to point out that the end of the unpopular lockdown will be determined by ‘how much people follow the rules on social distancing’ and ‘the more people follow the rules then the faster we will all be through it’.

“There is a difference for example, between jogging for an hour on your own, perhaps stopping for a brief break on a park bench, and purposefully leaving the house to have a picnic, sun bathe or meet with friends.”

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“But it’s all so confusing!” signed Mrs Smith from Reading “I get running and cycling is ok, two activities which I have never done nor plan to, but what if I want to walk around with the kids and ‘happen’ to bump into some of my friends along the way?”.

“If you’re pleading ignorance and feigning confusion over this please stop,” stated Mr Hancock bluntly “we know you know the difference, and that’s what makes you a c**t.”

Many were taken aback by the Health Secretary’s strong words, however were moved when an emotional Mr Hancock said he had lost ‘two people I was fond of’. Downing Street have confirmed there will be no disciplinary action for his outburst and portrayal of a ‘Human-like’ Tory.

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