By Tony Curram
A man from Surrey today has been forced to make a grim decision; look like an adolescent male, or look like a Viking warrior destined for Valhalla! But with an itchy face. Mr Stuart, from Farnborough, has been growing the beard for around 2 weeks now during isolation, and has been trying to convince himself the itching will ‘grow out’; it isn’t.
“My heart is torn!” sulked Mr Stuart “I love my beard, and my wife and kids love it too; they’re always running away from me when I try to give them kisses. Shouting ‘No! Not the itchy-scratchy!’ It’s a silly little game we play.”
When asked if he had tried any form of beard maintenance such as combing or oiling as recommended by, well, anyone with a beard, but in particular beard gurus MayBeau, Mr Stuart looked shocked: “You’re supposed to look after it?! I thought it sorts itself out? I got some chicken stuck in it last night and when I woke up it was gone.”
“That’s because the dog found it and ate it while you slept” Chimed in Mrs Stuart grimly. “That’s why you don’t look like a ‘Viking warrior’; you look like a dwarf dragged through a hedge backwards. Or that weird guy from accounting that always sits alone at the work Christmas party.”
At this point Mr Stuart took offence and sulked off to contemplate the fate of his beard, opening a ‘lunch time beer’ at 10 am on his way through the kitchen. Mrs Stuart also hopes he’ll contemplate getting showered and dressed today.