Virtual Grand National to give nations sports fans a brief respite from masturbation and eating crisps.

By Tony Curram

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The UK’s sport fans are looking forward to some brief respite today, after getting their first sports fix in weeks. Many enthusiasts have felt lost with no sports being played since the Government put a temporary ban in place in an attempt to thwart COVID-19.

“It’s been a nightmare!” declared Shaun Jessop, from Brighton “I’ve been so desperate for something to bet on that I sunk to new lows; I’ve been using stocks and shares apps like a real degenerate. The worst part is, when I win I can’t spend it down the pub!” Mr Jessop tailed off in tears.

Millions are expected to tune in to watch the race, which will utilise the latest in CGI and use sophisticated algorithms to produce an accurate interpretation of what the real race would have looked like, leading many animal rights activists asking the question; “do we really need to do a real one anymore, where horses die?”.

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“Well, I don’t know about that, but I know one organic thing that’ll be glad of this virtual race,” said Adam Smith of Dorking, through gritted teeth “Things are getting a little bit… sensitive down there.”

“I’ve been going for it ten, eleven, sometimes up to 15 times a day, out of complete mind-numbing boredom. And to exasperate the problem, I’ve been living mostly off a diet of crisps, so my hands quite often have crumbs on them which only adds to the friction.”

“I don’t want to be too graphic. But all I need is some stick on googley eyes and antlers, and I could do an explicit impression of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.”

Why not host your own race night during this lock-down with the great RaceNight DVD game? Available here

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