UK to test “Eleventy-thousand people a minute” blurts a panicked Matt Hancock

By Tony Curram

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The Government has come under heavy scrutiny this week over its low testing figures. Even Diane Abbott was unable to cock the maths up enough to make them look marginally better. Officials have quoted a shortage of key reagents being the root cause, although many have pointed out the root cause to be a shortage of competence in Government.

“We knew this would be a complete sh*t show in January!” blasts a frustrated NHS worker “We knew what the virus did, how it spread, we knew what kit we would need. And yet instead we waited until the first death’s happened to put out a panicked plea and ask for help.”

The Government had originally set its own target of 25,000 people to be tested a day, but was only managing around 7,000. To add insult to injury, despite running a training exercise in 2016 to simulate this EXACT scenario which identified we needed a warehouse full of ventilators, we did nothing.

The first new contract for ventilators in the UK expected to deliver thousands this week from our best and brightest, has delivered 30 (I wish that bit was fake news; it isn’t).

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“I was getting all these questions, and I just felt all this pressure on me!” sobbed a distressed Mr Hancock “The press wanted to know about testing figures so I just blurted out ‘100,000 a day by the end of the month!’ like an idiot!”

There was a confused silence, followed by several questions about the feasibility of testing 100,000 a day when we can’t even manage over 7,000. “And that’s when I really lost the plot!” wailed Mr Hancock “I’m not even sure real words came out!”

Mr Johnson was asked for his comments, who responded “I have every faith in the health secretary to deliver what he has promised, and I am diverting significant resources to aid him in his efforts.”

“Including a heart-to-heart pep talk form Priti Patel,”

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