‘Don’t be arseholes’ banks told

By Tony Curram

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Business Secretary Alok Sharma has given banks a stern clip around the ear, after concerns that up to a million companies could go bust if denied crucial emergency loans. Banks have been criticised by companies and MPs alike for insisting directors put their own property or life savings up as collateral before they are approved for the much needed loans.

Many have even reported banks charging interest rates of up to 30% and their first born child, to secure the capital they need. Head of the Federation of Small Businesses, Mike Cherry, said banks were either trying to push firms towards “standard, expensive products” or they were “simply not responsive”.

“They’re being real sh*ts,” said Mr Cherry grimly “It’s the financial equivalent of if Tesco’s started charging £5 for a loaf of bread, or charged people a premium for social distanced delivery; we’d soon put a stop to that.”

“It’s even worse than that,” interjected Mr Sharma “Because at least Tesco’s and other supermarkets weren’t propped up with Billions of tax payer’s money after consistently observing poor business practice. You owe us one git bags.”

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Mr Sharma was of course referencing when the taxpayer stepped in to help the banks back in 2008, after a long spell of (again) being arseholes; Lloyds Bank only stopped being owned in some part by the Government back in 2017.

“Well, you see, now’s not a very…liquid time for banks” said a spokesman for an unnamed high-street lender “You see, many of our shareholders are wanting their dividends, so they’re ready to go and buy up all the stuff the dead poor people leave behind” he shrugged “so it really is a big conflict of interests.”

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