UK raises Coronavirus threat from ‘let’s put the kettle on’ to ‘rather miffed’

By Tony Curram

When the world wide death toll raised to more than 3,000, the UK made the dynamic decision to raise our Coronavirus threat from ‘mild inconvenience’ to ‘let’s put the kettle on’, as reported by The Larking Herald on the 3rd of March 2020; less than a month ago.

However, as the world wide death toll has now reached over 44,000 in that time, UK health experts have petitioned the government to raise our threat level, and have supported the Health ministers decision to raise the level to ‘rather miffed’.

“This is significant” explained chief medical officer Professor Chris Whitty “It firstly helps emphasise to the general public how seriously the government is taking this crisis. And secondly, enables parliament to enforce stricter sanctions if necessary.”

The UK only has one level higher than ‘rather miffed’; ‘Bloody livid’. The UK hasn’t been ‘Bloody livid’ since the Falklands conflict in 1982. Despite this raise in threat level, many people are still failing to take the threat seriously.

Many UK residents are still flaunting government guidelines and ignoring social distance measures, operating under the assumption that as they’re young and healthy, there’s no need to worry, and that the government is just being overly fascist.

This logic flies in the face of the apparently healthy thirteen year old who died yesterday, not to mention a huge ‘screw you’ to any elderly and vulnerable people they may inadvertently infect. Or our amazing NHS staff who would be risking their health to treat them should they get moderate symptoms.

“When we first wrote this satire piece, escalating the threat stance from ‘mild inconvenience’, to ‘let’s put the kettle on’, the UK’s Coronavirus death toll sat at zero” explained editor and writer at The Larking Herald, Acton Murry “In just under a month It’s now at 2,352.”

“So when the government tell you to stay indoors, stay the f*ck indoors!”

Leave a Reply