Divorce lawyer ‘w*nked into coma’ say medics

By Acton Murry

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Medical experts were baffled yesterday when a seemingly healthy 40 year old male arrived in a Surrey A&E department unresponsive but stable, sporting a massive erection. Co-workers of Mr Reynolds say they heard noise coming from his office and went to investigate only to find the man unconscious on the floor ‘mid stroke’.

“We were stumped. At first we assumed it was an atypical COVID-19 case,” explained Dr Trower “however as we began to dig into the patient history, it became clear we were dealing with something altogether different.”

“The medics were at a loss to begin with,” started a visibly shaken Mrs Reeds, secretary for the divorce firm ’30:70’ “Then they asked if he had been behaving differently, or stressed at work and the pieces started to fit into place.”

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The company had been experiencing a work increase of over 500% due to isolation measures causing couples everywhere to finally realise they want to kill each other. One couple even began accusing each other of ‘blinking loudly’.

“The profits soared! I’ve never seen Mr Reynolds to happy! And that’s when… he got weird. He began masturbating after every phone call! Sometimes 20 times a day! That’s not sustainable for any man, I even had to panic buy loo roll for the office to stop him using the curtains!”

“Tenent masturbationem lassitudinem,” explained Dr Trower, with a wry grin, also known as masturbation exhaustion. He should wake in a few days.”

“He should be more worried about the friction burns; he’ll be lucky not to need skin grafts.”

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