Boris Johnson declares ‘Deploy the Green Goddess’

By Acton Murry

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As the UK public struggles to get their head around the concept of outside is bad; inside is good, Mr Johnson has upped measures to encourage people to stay at home. Measures include using the police force to kindly call you a dick whilst moving you on, on the spot fines and the immediate deployment of the Green Goddess AKA Diana Moran.

The former 1980s aerobics queen, now a spritely 80 years old, has been in deep storage at a military warehouse complex next to a box of old muskets, ready to be deployed in times of such emergency. Mr Shaw, 72 from Devon said “Green Goddess? Wasn’t that a fire engine?”

“It’s all part of my 3 tiered, 4 front, carpe diem strategy” blustered Mr Johnson “We need to keep the elderly at home, healthy and engaged. And I can think of no better way than to use a personality they can dimly remember, dressed in a green leotard, doing stretches and exercises that will most likely kill more infirmed than the virus”

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“No seriously, I can’t think of a better way. If you have any ideas please, please, send me a carrier pigeon”

Former health minister Mr Hunt publicly came out in support of the move saying: “Deploying the Green Goddess shows clear, firm leadership by the Tory government. The last thing we need is elderly dead bodies stacking up in hospital corridors. I did that once; it wasn’t received very well”.

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