Fears grow for Gen Y’s sanity as ‘Nolo alcohol free Beer’ sales rocket


By Acton Murry

Concerns over Gen Y, commonly referred to as millennial’s, is growing today as almost one in four young people become teetotal. Combined with a surge of veganism (a type of diet in which people are severely deficient in Bacon), many people are now worried ‘What are they doing for fun??’.

As people are becoming more health conscious, or ‘Woke’ (a popular term that describes people who are both easily offended and opinionated), almost one in four young people class themselves as teetotal. One concerned mother commented:

“I’m terrified! What are we supposed to do these days? Young adults are supposed to be passing out in gutters, stuffing their face full of processed meat until their arteries collapse. Now what am I supposed to worry about?! I feel totally redundant”


The development has been praised by many, including the Health minister Nadine Dorries, who tweeted from her bed whilst surrounded by toilet rolls where she is recovering from Corona virus: “Thank these young, boring gits for so selflessly saving the NHS millions a year in health complications and accidents associated with excessive alcohol consumption”.

“They don’t know they’re born!” waded in PM Boris Johnson “Being a youngster is about getting completely, magnificently blotto and doing inexcusable stuff and blaming it on the booze! I mean, I once worked with a guy who f***ed a pig!”

“Come to think of it, he kind of f***ed a whole nation too”


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