Chris Packham ‘wanted dead or alive’ after defecating through No.10 letter box

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By Acton Murry

Chris Packham CBE, naturalist, nature photographer, television presenter, author, and general bloody legend is on the run from the authorities tonight after being a consistent thorn in Dominic Cummings government’s side, culminating in the unfortunate incident that occurred last night.

“I’m all for a little horseplay” Said Boris Johnson “But my boss, Mr Cummings, was furious! Put the hit out straight away!”

It is believed numerous friends of Mr Cummings and other head Tory’s are barely able to move due to their raging erections over being able to bill the UK tax payer £307million per MILE of track.

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However, all this could fall through, costing those same faceless entities millions if HS2 falls through, thanks to a legal precedent noticed by Mr Packham and his team.

Legal spokesman for Mr Packham and his foundation ‘Save the trees’ commented “We noticed that as the 3rd terminal for Heathrow was barred due to CO2 emission policies (guidelines designed to achieve net zero emissions by 2050 that were enshrined into UK law), so should HS2”

“That was when Mr Packham got a little…rambunctious and proceeded to defecate through the door of number 10 whilst proclaiming ‘That’s for the 100 ancient woodlands you tried to bulldoze!’, and things got a little nasty.

“Does that hippy know how much money he’s costing the UK?! And by UK, I mean the 1% who’ll benefit from the scheme”

“Definitely not the commuters who’ll just be waiting for another delayed/cancelled train”

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