Top 10 toilet roll alternatives as reviewed by The Larking Herald

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By Acton Murry

As UK consumers dance to the puppet strings of scaremongering media and clear supermarket shelves of all basic commodities, many are left without toilet roll, wondering ‘What do I do when I poop?’.

Well, fear naught readers! For editor-in-chief of The Larking Herald has reviewed over 100 hundred alternatives and listed the top 10 for if you get caught short in the corona apocalypse.

10. Sun Newspaper. Or any paper/magazine really. Just be careful as often they come full of s**t already.

9. An odd sock. Why an odd sock you ask? Well, why would you want to waste a perfectly good pair? Hand washing after is not advised, best off just placing in the bin.

8. Banana peel. Get your fibre, 1 of your 5 a day and a refreshing wipe all in 1! What’s not to like? Be careful of poking a finger through the skin though…

7. Neighbours cat. Fed up of your neighbour’s cat doing its business in your garden? Get payback and have a pleasantly soft reach around (just avoid the claws).

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6. Ex’s photos. Just had a nasty split? Kill two birds with one stone. *Warning* don’t also burn after, the only thing worse than the smell of poo, is burning poo.

5. Brexit memorabilia tea-towel. Firstly, why do you have this? But if you do, immensely satisfying having the PM clean you up.

4. Sand paper. Quite nice actually.

3. Pine cone. Very eco-friendly option, with built in ‘scrape’ action.

2. Bare hand. Surprisingly comfortable. Just make sure you wash thoroughly after (and keep your nails short).

1. Actual toilet roll. Because surprise, surprise, the shelf will be full tomorrow, ready for the shop to make another huge profit. Almost as if it was expected.

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