Northern Ireland to defy Coronavirus by consuming only Guinness

By Acton Murry

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As countries around the world convene emergency meetings to justify their wages, and to organise their response to the Coronavirus outbreak, Northern Ireland have announced they’re planning to contain the spread by mandating the only beverage to be consumed is Guinness.

Scenes inside the country show eager pub goers pouring entire casks of Corona, Budweiser, Fosters and other lagers into the gutter, one volunteer said: “I knew it was a mistake, allowing all these ‘foreigners’ in”.

“I mean, we should have seen Coronavirus coming when Corona first came on the scene; who drinks a beer with fruit in it?! That’s not a beer, that’s a health drink!”

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When asked why all others beers and ales were being poured away, health minister Robin Swann said: “Why take the risk? Do you really want Fosters Fever? SanMiguel virus?? WKD VD? No, this is best. And if you can avoid water as well, that’s absolute perfection”

Director of the World Health Organisation, Dr. Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said: “I f**king give up. First the English start boycotting Chinese takeaways, and now this…”

“Just wash your bloody hands!!”

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