By Acton Murry
Mass hysteria has broken out up and down the country today, as British workers everywhere frantically try to figure out a good reason to tell themselves that they absolutely, definitely need to go to the pub.
“Its Hopeless! lamented Arthur Pint, an office worker from Bristol who in any other country would be classed as a functioning alcoholic, but in Britain is a ‘casual drinker’ “I’m completely out of ideas! There’s no birthdays in the office, no ones just had a kid, no ones having a break up, nothings broken down, and I’ve already used the excuse ‘Its Thirsty Thursday!’ 5 times this year alone”
Office manager Mona Fuhrer is immensely pleased to know her office staff won’t be casually sinking 10 pints, before demolishing a kebab the size of a canal barge.
“It’s the smell more than anything! The lost productivity is one thing, Fridays are always bad as everyone sits there clock watching, but it’s the stale kebab sweat and beer farts. It’s unbearable!”
Mona went on: “To be honest, I thought they’d all be more worried about Coronavirus than reasons to get to the pub. Oh-no…”
“Yes! Coronavirus!” Shouted a jubilant Arthur “I’m almost certain a high blood alcohol volume will kill any coronavirus off, that’s just science. And its like that movie, ‘Lets go to the Winchester, have a pint and wait for all this to blow over’!”
“I’ll just make sure to avoid the Corona…”
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