Matt Hancock comes to Priti Patels defence for fear of being rebranded ‘Hand-cock’

By Acton Murry

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After Sir Philip Rutnam, the home office’s most senior official, resigned on Saturday, Priti Patel has been attempting to gather allies to vouch for her character the way she knows best; through threat.

When asked if it was true that Mr Hancock had awoken to a knife on his bedside table, on top of a post it note stating ‘say I’m nice, or else, Hand-cock!’ Mr Hancock was quick to counter.

“Absolutely ppp preposterous!” stammered a clearly distressed Mr Hancock, his face barely peering round his cracked open office door “Ms Patel is a lovely, caring lady. Alright, maybe a bit ambitious OUCH! I mean, aren’t well all naturally ambitious? I don’t know why I said that. Can I go now?”.

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It’s not clear if this request was to us or another, unseen entity. Critics have been quick to comment on the allegations against Ms Patel, stating its further evidence of the Tory government being in disarray.

“It’s bloody brilliant!” cackled Jeremy Corbyn “They said my party was disorganised?! First Sajid Javid knocks the PM’s bit on the side up and does a runner, now they’re letting Priti Patel openly hunt like a wild Leapord within the Home Office”.

Priti Patel was keen to set the record straight in a statement this evening: “I demand excellence, and expect a lot of my staff, as anyone in my position should and I believe the general public should be pleased that their Home Secretary holds people to account. I am always quick to praise, but if needs be, give constructive criticism”.

“Sometimes these gentle reminders get lost in translation, so fortunately over the years I’ve found a smack in the mouth to be universally understood”.

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