Sir Philip Rutnam resigns after Home Secretary Priti Patel calls him ‘Baldy’

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By Acton Murry

In an unusual and shocking move, Sir Philip Rutnam has resigned from his position in the Home Office after apparently being bullied by Home Secretary Priti Patel. Sir Rutnam said: “In the last 10 days, I have been the target of a vicious and orchestrated briefing campaign. Last week she came in and slapped me on my head and yelled ‘Morning Baldy!”

Sir Rutnam isn’t the first person to speak out against Ms Patels apparently outlandish behaviour towards government employees. MI5 director, Sir Andrew Parker claimed that during a briefing session, Ms Patel disagreed with his analysis of current security concerns.

When reminded of Sir Parker’s vast experience, Ms Patel apparently took this as a show of dominance and threatened to ‘Peg Sir Parker over the briefing room office in front of (your) friends’.

It is believed Ms Patel was referring to the sexual practice of a women penetrating a man, perhaps with one of her devil horns, which currently get filed down every week at an expense to the tax payer of £50,000 a month.

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Ms Patel is yet to comment on Sir Rutnam’s statement, but vehemently denies the claims by MI5 or that their department are mistrusted by MI5 bosses. However, things aren’t looking good for Mr Johnson’s government as this is the second shock, high profile resignation in as many weeks.

Mr Johnson was approached for statement but at the last minute declined. Looking uneasy, Mr Johnson said: “I was going to make a statement, but Mr Cummings said to wait until we have all the facts. Plus, Priti told me ‘snitches get stitches’ so I think I’ll go make some tea now instead”

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