Man seriously weighs risk/reward of calling in sick with Coronavirus

By Acton Murry

It is believed that a retail worker from Woking has awoken at an un-godly hour this morning after snoozing their alarm 70 times and, as the familiar sense of dread descended, began struggling with their moral compass.

John Lewis, from Woking, is well renowned for his extravagant sick days, citing everything from D&V to Cholera, and has been warned if he misses a weekend shift again, he ‘best be dying’.

“If I take the hit today, I could start hinting that my parents have just started feeling ‘abit under the weather,”  he pondered “Start laying the ground works, so when I call in next Saturday morning with a hangover that could kill ten men, it will sound really convincing”

Its believed Mr Lewis has gotten the idea from the daily updates stating anyone displaying potential symptoms should self isolate. And in particular is keen to insist on two weeks self-imposed isolation.

“2 weeks of Call of Duty! I haven’t managed that since college! Ill stock up on essentials like Redbull and Wotsits, it’ll be brilliant!”

However, when asked about the possible backlash, Mr Lewis’s enthusiasm seemed to abate “On the other hand, the mass hysteria that may be caused mite put a bit of a downer on things, and ill be stuck with mum and dad for 2 weeks who’ll probably insist I tidy my room. Plus, Chloe from checkouts might not want to snog me after Coronavirus”

“Ill just call in with shingles instead”

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