Weinstein: ‘chest pains caused by excitement over prison, not to try and avoid it’

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By Acton Murry

Convicted rapist Harvey Weinstein was accused of faking chest pains in an attempt to avoid prison yesterday, after needing taking to hospital directly from court when a hearing decided he was to remain in custody. It’s believed he may have got the idea from a movie he helped produce in-between being a professional sexual predator. Mr Weinstein vehemently denies the accusation.

“Far from it! My heart was just racing from the excitement of it all!” explains Mr Weinstein “You see, when you hit a certain age, you cant just go around sexually exploiting young women like you used to, the zimmer tends to get in the way, the smell of old man piss gives them a heads up and Viagra lost its effect on me ages ago. At least now I can sit around with like minded people and share stories”

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“Yea, stories” Smiles Leroy “were all super excited to give Mr Weinstein a warm welcome when he arrives, and ‘share’ ‘stories’. He won’t need to take the zimmer to the showers, all 10 of us will help hold him up, all day if that’s what’s needed…excuse me” Mr Leroy walked away at this point licking his lips.

Prison Warden George Phillips was quick to reassure Mr Weinsteins safety will be assured “We will not condone any poor treatment of Mr Weinstein in anyway. I also want to dispel myths that there’s a pecking order of crimes, and that sex crimes definitely isn’t at the bottom of said non-existent pile, just above pedophiles”.

Mr Phillips turned and looked out the window with a smirk and added “Although, guards can’t be everywhere at once”

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