Environment minister George Eustice unveils plan to burn Greta Thunberg under new flood relief plans

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By Acton Murry

The UK government has been criticised for its poor planning and prevention in areas at risk to flooding in the wake of large areas of the country suffering severe flooding. In many areas this is even after flood mitigation measures had been enacted, prompting the UK Government to pledge an additional £4 billion for flood relief efforts, and Mr Eustice was keen to talk policy.

“£4billion for flood relief efforts is all well and good but will mean nothing if the root cause isn’t dealt with. No, not global warming or C02 emissions; Greta Thunberg. All we need to do is build a good old-fashioned pyre, invite her round for tea and blind side her”

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When questioned on this approach and its striking similarity to Witch burning in the 14-1600’s, which was often spurned on primarily in times of ecological disaster and poor weather, Mr Eustice became visibly agitated

“Ever since she’s been talking about the environment, crazy stuff like this has been happening! It’s like she’s been controlling it, a ‘bad weather Horcrux’ so to speak, or maybe she’s cursed. I know it’s all terribly technical but just try and imagine it’s a bit like that bit in Frozen, where they’re going to kill Elsa to make the bad weather go away”

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The Prime minister was approached for comment on his Government’s handling of the floods, but he was too busy choosing which pair of wellies to wear for his photo opportunity.

“It’s frightfully difficult to find the right wellies to go with a Barbour jacket that doesn’t tip you over the edge of ‘Eton Shooting Club’ to ‘Country Bumpkin’’ said Mr Johnson

“But a good old-fashioned witch burning? Oh, my yes! Carpe Diem, have at ‘em! That’s the kind of Great British ingenuity that will get us through Brexit!”

Who is Greta Thunberg? And why is her name so ubiquitous within the environment movement? Click here so see her book ‘Our House is on Fire: Scenes of a Family and a Planet in Crisis’.

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