Environment secretary George Eustice in ‘floods of tears’ after heckled with the chant ‘Eustice is useless’


By Acton Murry

Concerns are mounting for the mental wellbeing of newly appointed Environment secretary George Eustice, after fleeing a mob that formed during his visit to Shrewsbury yesterday.

He was attempting to engage with local residents and hear their concerns and answer questions about the UK’s heavily criticized flood defense management, when the mood went sour.

“Well at first obviously I tried to blame it on Brexit taking so long” said Mr Eustice, whilst in the fetal position in the shower, fully clothed “but then that seemed to anger people more and made us look incompetent. So, then I merely pointed out to the people who were up to their midriff in flood water and subsequent sewage backwash that 500,000 people somewhere else were dry thanks to them being totally neglected”


“That also didn’t seem to go down so well” sobbed Mr Eustice uncontrollably. It was then that the chanting began.

“Eustice is Useless! Eustice is Useless”.

“It was horrible!” sobbed Mr Eustice, “it was like being back in the playground! Boris can finally get his gut out the office and do the next visit!”

“It was brilliant!” Gleamed local resident Glen Ford “they say its times like these that really bring people together, its so true. We were all just stood there, listening to him prattle on about ‘CO2 emissions’, while arriving in a 12-car convoy, and ‘budget constraints’ despite Lords claiming £23million for lunch, when this voice from the back spoke out. It was like wild fire, in seconds all of us were chanting it”


Downing street were approached for comment but no one could be reached as they were all too busy laughing at the footage on YouTube, whilst several other cabinet members had left to have mugs and office supplies made up with the slogan on.

“Don’t worry! Said one member of the house of lords, running into parliament with his arms full of ‘Eustice is useless’ merchandise “I’ve not claimed for this stuff!”



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