Savvy Brits to avoid Coronavirus by unilaterally boycotting Chinese takeaways.

By Acton Murry

Savvy Brits are boycotting Chinese takeaways in an effort to avoid contracting the Coronavirus. “It came to me in a dream” said local avid racist, Scott Lynchman who is a member of plucky British political movement EDL and who, without the slightest trace of irony, lists ‘Chow mein, Chicken Jalfrezi and Kebabs’ as his top 3 ‘British meals’.

“I was going to the Golden Wok 3 times a week, 4 if I won at the bookies, and I just realized. I’m risking my life. If I just avoid the place, then I can’t catch Coronavirus, coz it’s only those Chinese people that have it, init? That’s just science”.


News reports are showing that as idiots attempt to counter a disease so far seemingly less dangerous than the common Flu, Chinese takeaways are down almost as much as 50%. Some businesses are seriously considering closure and the Asian community are reporting accounts of open harassment in the street.

A spokesperson for a sizable Pizza company said “Its brilliant! Sales are through the roof! I mean, yea sure, we’re having to deal with the odd pleb asking if we do Chow meins, but all in all, business is booming! If we’d known how easy it was to boost our market share, we’d have asked the Chinese government to release this virus years ago!”

“Wait…did I say that last bit out loud?”


National ***k Knuckle Nigel Farage waded in on the subject, barely concealing an erection: “It’s great! Usually in the UK its difficult to find something to mask being openly racist. But in the last few years, we’ve had Brexit enabling us to abuse Polish people and call it ‘Being anti-immigration’ and now coronavirus. This is going to be a good year”.

Dr Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus, Head of the World Health Organisation said “I think its great the British public are putting their health first and having such a reduction in takeaway consumption. This will really pay dividends for heart health in years to come”

“Wait…they’re doing it because of what?! Jesus Christ…”

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