Hey! Duggee! Leave those kids alone! As historic abuse victims come forward

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By Acton Murry

Hey Duggee is the latest BBC personality to be embroiled in historic sexual assault allegations as several members of his class the squirrels, who wish to remain nameless due to legal reasons, come forward stating they’d been inappropriately touched.

“It started with how he’d say ‘Woof’” Said a weird crocodile juvenile with glasses, who’ll remain nameless for legal reasons. “At first, it was just a friendly ‘Woof’, but then it became more of a ‘Woooof’, and sometimes even a ‘Woof-Woof, hubba bubba’, showing clear sexual provocation”.

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The whole saga is made worse due to all the claimants being minors. One Rhino looking kid, who’ll remain nameless for legal reasons, stated “He’d always make us touch him and hug him at the end of the day, but he’d always hold on just too long. Its was disgusting. I could feel his sweat against my body”

“One Thursday afternoon, whilst putting paper back in a store cupboard, he came in and asked if I could give him a flea bath! Thankfully another student came in otherwise who knows what could have happened!”

Mr. Duggee refused comment (or maybe he didn’t, he just barked down the phone for 5 minutes) however a member of his legal team had this to say: “The allegations against Mr. Duggee are vehemently denied and are preposterous. Firstly, because Mr. Duggee cannot in fact sweat due to a medical condition, and secondly because on the Thursday evening in question, he was in a Pizza Express in Woking”

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But further doubt has been cast on Mr. Duggees character as photographic evidence of him leaving convicted pedophiles house, Jeffrey Epstein, just days after his arrest emerge and circulate online.

Chief Executive of the Crown Prosecution Service, was approached for comment and had this to say “Mr Duggee’s legal teams’ response is ridiculous at best! Mark my words, there will be no escaping the thorough scrutiny of either the UK press or the law!”

“Unless he’s got a famous nephew who fancies changing his job in the next few days, but what’s the odds on that? “.

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